So What Now?

You've had a long, empty weekend to come to grips with what has befallen us. I'm sure there was a Saturday afternoon wasted looking into Charles Barkley's dead, dead eyes hoping he'd at least belittle the Blazers for being a jump-shooting team. Instead, nothing. The Blazers are gone, and they won't be back for six months. After devoting so many hours per week to the team, it can be a frightening proposition to move on and find another hobby for the off-season. Hopefully this guide will help you.

Proposition 1: The Seattle Mariners. This seems to be the most obvious one. The Seattle Mariners season runs until the end of September, and maybe into October, taking up the entirety of the Blazers offseason. The only catch? It's baseball. Baseball is a difficult sport to get into, and is almost something you need to be born into to enjoy (like being Amish, for example). The team is incredibly likable with the good-natured weirdness of Ichiro and the Rasheed Wallace-esque assholery of Milton Bradley. Also, by July, they will have the best top of the rotation in baseball. Still, the downside is they don't score any runs, so basically every single loss will be a heartbreaker and will drain your soul.

Proposition 2: The Portland Timbers. Obviously, you will miss the wild atmosphere of the Rose Garden during the summer. Sure, you can go into the venue at times during the summer, but they really don't appreciate it when you start a "Let's Go Blazers" chant during Disney on Ice. The closest you'll get to the Section 314 atmosphere in Portland during the summer is section 107 at PGE Park. Once again, this requires interest in a relatively slow-paced sport without much scoring. Still, the Timbers are one of the best teams in their league. Also, it's better to jump on the bandwagon now rather than be a Johnny-Come-Lately when the team jumps up to MLS next year.

Proposition 3: Watch All of Lost. Lost is the most important pop culture phenomenon on television in the last decade. Yes, that includes The Wire. (An Analogy: Lost : The Beatles :: The Wire : Velvet Underground) Now, the series is ending at the end of this month. That doesn't mean it's too late to join. In fact, now is the perfect time to join in. You will have the benefit of watching the series on your own time, while still getting to watch the series finale live with a bunch of friends to be part of a historical event. Today, it is May 3rd. Lost ends on May 23rd at 9 PM. That's nearly three weeks. Now, how do you condense almost six seasons of television into those three weeks? Strict scheduling. By the airdate of the season finale, a total of 119 Lost episodes will have been on air. What does that mean for you? A little simple math. Divide 119 by 20 to get a little under 6. That's how many episodes you will need to watch per day. Needless to say, that Blazers-sized hole in your day will be more than filled.

Proposition 4: Start an Internet Meme. Internet memes are a great source of humor and joy, something severely lacking since the Blazers' premature exit. This could give you great pleasure, and ease the suffering of fellow fans. Well, to start one, you first need a blog. Tumblr has the hipster cred, but Blogger's easier to use. Up to you. Next, you need to create a meme. For example, some funny recent ones are mashups of disparate ideas, such as Hipster Puppies or Michael Buble Being Stalked by a Velociraptor. Animals are always a fine choice. Here's an idea I came up with just writing this. It's called Nate McMillan Is the Life of the Party. I'm sure you can do better than that.

Nate McMillan is the Life of the Party

The Blazers being done isn't the end of the world. We can all have different hobbies. And if you don't want to have them, just ride the Trade Machine until the season starts again.